Friday Afternoon

I bought three white roses on my way home and I placed them on a white vase by my bed. Lately I’ve been a little obsessed with white in all its shades and tonalities because the beauty of its emptiness, or I rather say its reflection and inclusion, brings me peace. I like to think that we all appreciate beauty, and to an extent try to bring it to our lives in any form or representation that is meaningful for us. I wish I had the painter’s sensibility to translate abstract emotions and complex concepts into strokes and colors. I’m not a writer either but in the process to find my voice I try to reflect the voice of others. I patiently keep writing, keeping in mind the fundamental principle of growth and learning, and hoping for an ever-evolving maturity. It took several years after Georgia O’Keeffe’s death for New York art critics to consider her as an abstract artist beyond her flowers and the image of an overt sexual woman. What is interesting for me is that she started working with abstraction, creating her own vocabulary of colors and forms, and returned to it a few years before she died. For a long period, as she fought the association to her sexuality, she mastered the use of color by painting figurative art that left no room for interpretations. She had the capacity to keep learning and growing, while she adapted to the circumstances as her life unfolded. Her paintings tell the story of a life-long process that is greater than herself, as it provides the opportunity for the others to get closer.

Veronique came over for dinner; she just left. We always have great conversations, a French raised in an island and a Mexican raised in one of the most populated capitals of the world can have lots in common. At this very moment I'm drinking a glass of prosecco to fight the New York summer heat as I listen to Eric Clapton's Knockin' on Heavens Door. My favorite pastime, which I'm sometimes ashamed to accept, is to play music and contemplate. Just being; at ease. Staring deeply without focusing. Music outside, silence inside. A few lyrics from Bajo Fondo Tango Club grab my attention, "Me atravesó, tu suave vendaval, rumbo a tu recuredo seguí, la estela de tu perfume." This is so seductive that makes me fall in love with myself for a second.

Lily’s friend is the curator of the Lee Bontecue’s show at the MOMA, so we got invited for a tête-à-tête conversation with her as she walked us through every piece on the exhibition. The museum was closed today, so we got it all for ourselves. “This sculpture took Lee approximately 18 years for completion,” she told us as I wondered how each piece of the suspended sculpture came to life, and how Lee decided that the piece was finally finished, if ever. “Black holes are a constant in Bontecue’s art, so I got obsessed about them. So as many curators I’m now obsessed with the artists obsession.” Black in her work is actually deep, without any light or reflection, which makes it as soothing as unreal. It is hard to create; she used black velvet and burn materials with her welding pistol. Black reminds me of a line from RED, John Logan’s play on Mark Rothko: There is only one thing I fear in life, my friend. One day the black will swallow the red. Lee Bontacue, one of the few female artists of her generation, stopped showing her work for 35 years, until she accepted a retrospective at the MOMA a few years ago. “It’s unclear why she stopped showing her work, especially when she was recognized by some of the most important galleries.” As I try to make my own interpretation, again my reference goes back to RED, and Rothko’s reading on Jackson Pollock’s death: Suddenly he was a commodity. That Oldsmobile convertible really did kill him. Not because it crashed, because it existed. Bontecue’s works are untitled, so as her life, it is all open for the audience interpretation.

Dreaming about...

Traveling smoothly to faraway places...

And returning home, where everything started...

Where and how did I learn the script for my life? In the kind of work I do, scriptwriters have the power of scripting the way characters act in new and unexpected ways; therefore giving us, their audience, the possibility to rescript ours. A powerful script has the ability to reshape our imagination, to change the collective imaginary and even change social norms. There are so many ways to live, there are even more ways to tell the story of life; you can always choose the words you use to do so. As an amateur photographer I understand the importance of framing; selecting a piece of reality. But selection is not in the realm of scarcity, you can take as many pictures as you want, you can select as many frames as you wish. As an editor I know it is also possible to make your frames magical, sometimes. Reminding people about their ability to reframe their lives, to change their lens, is truly empowering. This pose an opportunity to rethink, redesign and add value to what they have decided; to where their decisions have taken them. It provides the chance to leave any guilt behind, to be kind to themselves, and to even start all over again. If they wish.

Some people ask the why, the what, and the how we all get to a certain definition of something; how we create a meaning. My guess is that these questions relate to the importance of utterance and affirmation. “Do you love me?” we often ask. “Why do you always ask me, you know I do,” we would get as an answer. How much meaning we create by saying and how much by doing? An action without naming is open to any interpretation; as all declaration without deed falls flat. Relationships of any kind are based on a shared responsibility; I own fifty percent of what we become when we are together. It is not about someone being a determined kind of person; it is about what I can do to make something great from what we share. Creating beauty out of what we got.

I try to kill a giant waterbug with my red mary janes as I wait for an email I wrote to Victor to go through. The internet connection is specially slow tonight. The AC is on and its noise fills the entire room. My sweat is cold by now. I've been accumulating lots of stories to write about on the blog, but it is precisely today that I feel sad that I take the time to do it. It might have been the tone on Victor's voice, or that I'm tired, or possibly that last night I questioned myself too many times the why I'm here; some nights the longing gets deep into the bone. Today, after work, I went to the top of Rockefeller Center to get a view of the city from another perspective. It has always amazed me the number of windows, and how each of them represents different characters, stories and possibilities. This city is both beautiful and tough, and it gives you as much as it takes. Sometimes you can frame yourself as part of an abundant whole, or some days like today, a tiny bit of something that gets lost in oblivion.

I love the feeling of being in what is called the "deep South". Betsy and her husband took me to hear her son Charlie, a fiddler, play Old-Time music. We sat by a tree on a yard filled with antiques and flying june bugs to watch him and his friends perform old songs that must have travelled from Scotland and Ireland into the Southern Appalachians. "Most of these songs were not written down, they have traveled through generations, so each time they play it they do it differently," Betsy said. "Charlie plays for himself, he just loves it and if someone happens to be listening it's only incidental. It doesn't really matter." For me it was a soothing experience watching him play waltzes with banjos and fiddles as he followed the rhythm tapping his bare feet on the ground. For a moment I felt I could live here, where life seems so straightforward and simple. There are so many lives one could live, it's just a matter of choosing it.

Sunday in Alabama

It was warm and humid as Connie and I sat at her porch drinking chilled Rosé and nibbled on rice crackers. I asked her to show me old pictures, so her husband pulled a couple of shoe boxes filled with photographs from the top closet drawers. We looked at pictures of her teenage son who died a year and a half ago, their trip to Italy, her upbringing in Iowa, as a teenager with long red hair, her PhD graduation and a set of Connie and her two children snuggling in bed. "These pictures are filled with love," her husband said as he placed one over the fireplace. The quiet Birmingham breeze was blowing as she walked me through the memories behind the pictures and the fate of the people in them. It made me feel I was listening to the story of my family. I like how lives intersect, mine and hers, from such different backgrounds and still being able to relate. "Would you consider moving to Alabama after you leave New York?" she asked. "It could be. You never know."