Mi Abuela (My Grandmother)

Mi Abuela died today although in a way she had departed years ago. Her longtime disease not only affected her memory, but her ability to talk, walk or lead any sort of human existence. I saw her for the last time during the summer of 2010. I sat by her and caressed her head while telling her stories from her youth; she glanced at me for an instant before getting back into her permanent state of oblivion. As I was growing up, Mi Abuela represented many things to me, she was the closest connection I had to my father, an example of generosity, femininity and elegance, a strong advocate for my education and the reason I was so spoiled. She was the only person I know to wear red lipstick and spray Chanel #5 before going to bed; she was beautiful. She also was the only person I know to get so much pleasure from giving herself and anything she had for the well-being of others. "You should get rid of the old if you want new and better things to come", she used to tell me as she de-cluttered the house. She was obsessed with cleanliness. My fondest memories from childhood are those times at her house; large family gatherings, debate conversations at the kitchen, exploring her closet, playing with my cousins and staying over to have the opportunity to sleep hugging her (and her Doberman). "Promise me two things, that you won't marry young; you need to study and enjoy your life before committing to a man," she asked me repeatedly. "The second thing is that you should never pluck your eyebrows; they are beautiful just the way they are." I have kept my word for the first one, but have diligently dismissed her second request. I have to confess that I feel some kind of guilt every time I visit the Indian beauty parlor by my house.

It was a sunny day in New York and even when the wind reminded me the winter is not over yet, walking around the Farmer's Market at Union Square made me feel nostalgic for all the days I've been out traveling. Capuchi and I sat at a bench in Washington Square Park while a man played Black. "I've never heard a street musician playing Pearl Jam before" I told Capuchi, "they mostly play music form the 1970's. Do you think this is because we are getting older?" We might. Living in New York is deceiving about age; you will always find someone younger that has settled and seems more mature than yourself, and someone older that hasn't assimilated adulthood. Some of my girl friends are considering motherhood and Georgina has suggested that I freeze my eggs just in case. "I still struggle to feel as a director at my job, I feel too young" I mentioned to Josefa over brunch today. "Brenda, we need to stop underestimating our experience. Men dream high and women try to stick closer to the ground. We should dream too." I guess we can dream and keep the quality to become unassuming leaders.

We arrived in Ghana during the last days of the Hamatan season when winds blow from the Sahara carrying sand and tainting the atmosphere with a translucent veil of fine dust. “It looks as if we were in another planet”, Shoshana expressed as we were standing by the ocean staring directly at a white moon-like sun. It is hard to summarize one’s experience in a new place as it involves so many layers of emotions and thoughts. It is also hard as we bring a preconception of the place or we naturally try to compare it to what we know, to the place we come from. “The most surprising thing,” Sean pointed out, “is that at the end of the day you find out that we are basically the same.” And so it is. In Ghana family and community ties are important, young girls fall in love and are afraid of getting pregnant, children love to have their pictures taken and there is a football field every two kilometers. In Tekradi people gather at the local market to sell their products, women carry buckets and trays over their heads with smoked fish, fufu, tomatoes, plantain, shampoo, shoes and fresh vegetables to sell. In Ghana, as everywhere else, people enjoy laying under the shade of a big tree on a warm and humid day, women make a special effort to look attractive, people like sharing stories and a week of intensive work is rewarded with a cold beer and dancing Nigerian hip-hop. “Guinness is much better in Ghana than in the UK,” Kwesi mentioned while driving us around Accra, “when I lived there, we use to look for Ghanaian or Nigerian imported Guinness even when it was very hard to find.” Sometimes is in the small things that you find the greatest differences.

"Somewhere around here is where Antoine de Saint-Exupéry must have crashed his plane," I told Shoshana as we were flying between the Algerian and Mali border. I almost cried when I saw the Saharan dunes from the plane, and landing in Africa for the first time gave me emotional chills. I'm now laying in bed at the hotel in Accra watching CNN and jet-lagged as hell, wondering what new experiences tomorrow will bring. I never imagined myself traveling this far, but I always pictured myself collecting stories; life stories. "Aren't you acting a little bit paranoid?" Victor suggested after I asked if I could wash my teeth with the water from the sink. "Probably it's because of the malaria pills," I suggested as I scanned the room for mosquitos.

My eyes are closing.

The second day of the year Victor and I sat in silence at the porch overlooking the lake. We listened to French folk songs, ate carne asada with frijoles rancheros, and drank a bottle of champagne while observing cranes bath by the lake shore with our binoculars.

A comforting way to start a new year, before the craziness of deadlines and daily life takes over.

The last day of 2010 started as a cold morning. My Mother watered her plants and listened to the radio out loud while I tried to write a few meaningful lines. “How do you imagine yourself in ten years from now?” she asked me but I couldn’t answer. Ten years ago I was in San Francisco with Pico. We bought red wigs and painted our nails silver to receive the New Year in style; I remember he was wearing a shirt with cow prints. After more then a year of leaving art and creativity behind, 2001 was a meaningful year of creative and self-rebirth, and Pico was a catalyst. That was the year I decided to move to New York, my last full year in Guadalajara. Today it’s been two weeks since I arrived home and I already feel a little nostalgic about leaving to New York on Monday. For some of us who live between two places, saying goodbye is the unforgiving routine that makes us question why we left, knowing that our innate need to satisfy the curiosity to explore a greater world and life, wouldn't have allowed us to stay. "You should consider getting married before your time is gone," an uncle said to me during Christmas, "you can't keep traveling for ever." What if I want to have both; is it possible? Life is too short, regardless if you decide to settle or not; regardless on how you spend it. Now, as 2011 starts, I try to guess where we’ll be in ten years, wondering if ten years ago we pictured ourselves as we are now.

Everything will be fine. I have a strong faith for even numbers.

In Loving Memory

"The day I met Brenda I was wearing my white boots and my hair was dyed; that is why she wanted to be my friend," Pico would say proudly to others. I choose him as a life mentor, and we were very close friends for over ten years. To him I was Princess Brenda, for me he was Pico Cometa. His studio in Alabama Street, at the Mission District of San Francisco, became one of my favorite places on earth; a place I always go back in my dreams. "He painted a blue shape on the courtyard's floor to resemble a swimming pool", I told my mother today. He will play his LP collection in the evenings and leave his door open for everyone to come along. I use to sit at his studio while he cooked pork-chile tacos and shared all his stories as an art student in Mexico City, his years in Wisconsin, his yearly travels to Quintana Roo and how he decided to become an artist. From him I understood the importance of being authentic and coherent. "Pico, whenever I have children, I want them to spend their summer vacations with you, I want them to learn from you there is another way of framing life, of living." The last time I saw him, me, my friend Helena and my colleague Javier went to his studio during a work trip to San Francisco and he played his collection of french and salsa records for us. The last time I talked to him was in May, he called one evening. "I found your phone number while cleaning my drawers and decided to call you Princess," he said, "you should come to San Francisco soon; there are many new stories I want to share with you." Pico knew how much I loved him and how important it was for me to have him as a friend. He showed me to see life in multiple colors, and for that I'll be forever grateful.

The big-city girl is dreaming about suburban life with chirping birds and fresh cut grass. Do you feel like pecan pie? A ride in the woods? The asphalt never touching your shoes? Wooden houses, autumn leaves, college football, shopping strips, silent nights and unlocked doors. Can we live our lives sitting in the porch?

Betsy, Pamela, Michelle, Connie and Marcela have asked me how I've managed to balance my life with so much travel. Colombia, Japan, Alabama, Washington DC in one month, with new possibilities for travel emerging each time I open my inbox . "You need to be somehow flexible to adapt to all these different contexts in such a short period of time". I do. A week ago I was flying back from an incredible and intense trip to Japan and now I'm in Alabama working and sharing life experiences with women from very different backgrounds than mine. As a "collector" of stories, I seldom get bored. Visiting a mall with Connie, drinking ginger tea in the porch with Pamela, or going to a spinning class with Betsy bring on their own, new perspectives to my life. "Didn't you get bored at the mall with Connie?" her husband, John, asked me over dinner. "I actually enjoyed it", I replied to his surprise. The only thing I didn't mention is that I felt homesick as I walked past the kitchenware section. Neither I mention that I had to call my mom to ask her if she thinks I will ever have a real home, a family, and a kitchen to buy dinnerware for.

"Look! That is the most beautiful color of tiles I've seen!" I exclaimed to Capuchi as we were exiting a subway station in Kyoto. "Why can't we have this color in the New York Subway?" Our guess was that in New York functionality rules over aesthetics, or even beauty. After spending some days visiting Japanese Buddhist temples I reaffirmed the idea that beauty and good design is not, neither has to be, superficial. Form is meaning coming to surface and the environment shapes your state of mind and being. "For a strange reason, we usually don't have good design in America", Capuchi concluded after taking my picture by the lilac-tile wall.