The last day of 2010 started as a cold morning. My Mother watered her plants and listened to the radio out loud while I tried to write a few meaningful lines. “How do you imagine yourself in ten years from now?” she asked me but I couldn’t answer. Ten years ago I was in San Francisco with Pico. We bought red wigs and painted our nails silver to receive the New Year in style; I remember he was wearing a shirt with cow prints. After more then a year of leaving art and creativity behind, 2001 was a meaningful year of creative and self-rebirth, and Pico was a catalyst. That was the year I decided to move to New York, my last full year in Guadalajara. Today it’s been two weeks since I arrived home and I already feel a little nostalgic about leaving to New York on Monday. For some of us who live between two places, saying goodbye is the unforgiving routine that makes us question why we left, knowing that our innate need to satisfy the curiosity to explore a greater world and life, wouldn't have allowed us to stay. "You should consider getting married before your time is gone," an uncle said to me during Christmas, "you can't keep traveling for ever." What if I want to have both; is it possible? Life is too short, regardless if you decide to settle or not; regardless on how you spend it. Now, as 2011 starts, I try to guess where we’ll be in ten years, wondering if ten years ago we pictured ourselves as we are now.

Everything will be fine. I have a strong faith for even numbers.

In Loving Memory

"The day I met Brenda I was wearing my white boots and my hair was dyed; that is why she wanted to be my friend," Pico would say proudly to others. I choose him as a life mentor, and we were very close friends for over ten years. To him I was Princess Brenda, for me he was Pico Cometa. His studio in Alabama Street, at the Mission District of San Francisco, became one of my favorite places on earth; a place I always go back in my dreams. "He painted a blue shape on the courtyard's floor to resemble a swimming pool", I told my mother today. He will play his LP collection in the evenings and leave his door open for everyone to come along. I use to sit at his studio while he cooked pork-chile tacos and shared all his stories as an art student in Mexico City, his years in Wisconsin, his yearly travels to Quintana Roo and how he decided to become an artist. From him I understood the importance of being authentic and coherent. "Pico, whenever I have children, I want them to spend their summer vacations with you, I want them to learn from you there is another way of framing life, of living." The last time I saw him, me, my friend Helena and my colleague Javier went to his studio during a work trip to San Francisco and he played his collection of french and salsa records for us. The last time I talked to him was in May, he called one evening. "I found your phone number while cleaning my drawers and decided to call you Princess," he said, "you should come to San Francisco soon; there are many new stories I want to share with you." Pico knew how much I loved him and how important it was for me to have him as a friend. He showed me to see life in multiple colors, and for that I'll be forever grateful.

The big-city girl is dreaming about suburban life with chirping birds and fresh cut grass. Do you feel like pecan pie? A ride in the woods? The asphalt never touching your shoes? Wooden houses, autumn leaves, college football, shopping strips, silent nights and unlocked doors. Can we live our lives sitting in the porch?

Betsy, Pamela, Michelle, Connie and Marcela have asked me how I've managed to balance my life with so much travel. Colombia, Japan, Alabama, Washington DC in one month, with new possibilities for travel emerging each time I open my inbox . "You need to be somehow flexible to adapt to all these different contexts in such a short period of time". I do. A week ago I was flying back from an incredible and intense trip to Japan and now I'm in Alabama working and sharing life experiences with women from very different backgrounds than mine. As a "collector" of stories, I seldom get bored. Visiting a mall with Connie, drinking ginger tea in the porch with Pamela, or going to a spinning class with Betsy bring on their own, new perspectives to my life. "Didn't you get bored at the mall with Connie?" her husband, John, asked me over dinner. "I actually enjoyed it", I replied to his surprise. The only thing I didn't mention is that I felt homesick as I walked past the kitchenware section. Neither I mention that I had to call my mom to ask her if she thinks I will ever have a real home, a family, and a kitchen to buy dinnerware for.

"Look! That is the most beautiful color of tiles I've seen!" I exclaimed to Capuchi as we were exiting a subway station in Kyoto. "Why can't we have this color in the New York Subway?" Our guess was that in New York functionality rules over aesthetics, or even beauty. After spending some days visiting Japanese Buddhist temples I reaffirmed the idea that beauty and good design is not, neither has to be, superficial. Form is meaning coming to surface and the environment shapes your state of mind and being. "For a strange reason, we usually don't have good design in America", Capuchi concluded after taking my picture by the lilac-tile wall.

"Did you ever imagine we were going to be drinking a beer in Japan?" Capuchi asked me as we had dinner in Nagoya with partners from the Pacific Island States.

I didn't. Not even in my wildest dreams.

There is a giant water-bug in my bedroom but I'm too tired to even try to kill it. I started packing for Japan and still need to read a few scripts before going to bed and certainly before a meeting with the Alabama team tomorrow morning. I told my psychologist that life sometimes feels like a roller-coaster where new events keep happening one after the other without time to digest, reflect and fully absorb them. Victor came to visit last week; we went to a Roger Waters' concert, a half-marathon in Staten Island, a few dinners, brunch and spend some time staring to the ceiling in silence. Quality time. I also got promoted last week, opening the opportunity for growth and brining new challenges at the professional level. Doin' Time from Sublime is playing on Pandora, and as the with experience of watching Pink Floyd's The Wall live last week, it reminds me of where I came from, why I took certain life decisions, and how much I have grown in the past 10 years. Things, and we, do change.

I'm laying on bed recalling the ad-hoc party we organized at the grocery store in Anolaima, Colombia last week. We were back from an activity where the production team and actors of the radio drama collaborated with local authorities to clean a nearby community. The production team is very diverse, farmers, youth, local politicians, community leaders and children. We were all tired but nevertheless found a pretext to have a beer, dance to salsa and vallenato, celebrate the success of our cleaning efforts and the progress of the radio drama production. I had the chance to dance with Felipe, an eleven-year old boy from a nearby community who is by far my favorite child in the whole world. He is astonishingly smart, positive, and has the common sense of an octogenarian that has gone through it all. If I could make a bet on someone, he will be the one.

I'm now back in New York after working ten days in Colombia and spending the last few days with Santiago in Bogota. It is awesome to know that some friendships keep growing ad evolving even with time and distance. I'm also back in my house and bed after more than two weeks of couch surfing. There is still lots of fine dust all over and it will take a while for my room and house to look homey again.

Pieces of Bogota

Eating almojabanas and drinking panela after Sunday church.

Rainbow after a rainy afternoon as we drove to Usaquen.

Santiago's animation project, El Pequeño Tirano, on sale at local bookstores.

Daniel and I are watching the US Open men's final match between Nadal and Djokovic as we wait for Belen to arrive; her flight should be landing around 10:30 pm. I've been couch surfing for the past four days, and will continue to do so until I leave to Colombia on Friday. I feel bad for Belen as she'll be forced to couch surf with me even when she'll be getting the true New York-chaotic experience. "There is an age when couch surfing is no longer fun," Jorge told me during our production meeting today. My house is a mess, so I rather swallow the shame to ask my friends to host me for a few days. Holes in the walls and ceilings, and fine dust covers every surface. Last night as I was riding the subway to Capuchi's house carrying my bags wet from the rain and covered in white dust, I smiled to a man carrying a fishing pole and a bucket full with fresh fish he had just caught in Long Island City. New York is the kind of place where you can never go wrong; there will always be someone odder than you getting all the attention.

A box of matches

For 56 years Fidela has cooked for the family at my grandmother's house in Mexico City.

She has lived by the stove as we have all grown older and some of us have travelled far.

But the sound of a shaking box of matches always brings me back to her, getting ready to cook.

We are so many things, we are so many people. I once heard that there was no such thing as an original idea, and I think what we call original ideas are the abstractions to the accumulation of collective knowledge. So again, we are the accumulation of our experiences, of the people with whom we shared. We all shape one another. Arvind always says that relationships have longevity, and they do, not only we keep growing with the people around us, but we carry the knowledge and teachings of others within ourselves. Someone left a comment to my previous post with a mention to the concept of chocomilkconhuevo (which literally – and oddly - translates to milk chocolate with an egg). Chocomilkconhuevo was a good-humored code my friends and I used to refer to our way of thinking, which was considered strange for the conservative standards of Guadalajara. I’m not sure who left the comment, but it reminded me of some of the stories that lead me to where I am now. A few months ago Agatha, who lives in Cyprus after being my roommate for 3 years, sent me an article on friendship published by the New York Times. The author stated the importance of relationships where the question of worth does not even arise. The willingness to be there, without any expectation of an exchange for pleasure; true friendships are not investments; they don’t exist for what they will bring in the future. To be a friend is to step into the stream of another’s life.

It is past midnight and Troy, Marcelo, Oscar and I are in the living room drinking wine around a candlelight as we wait for the electrician to come and fix our electricity. Troy and Marcelo are making our Thanksgiving plans and describing deep-fried turkey and green-bean casserole. Do you like okra? What about collards? "How do I write collard greens?", I asked Troy. "If you are quoting me, you can say I said 'collards', that's what we call them." In the meantime, the electrician has come with the bad news that it is not a fuse problem but a failure in the whole wiring system, which means we won't have electricity tonight, or not even tomorrow. We could all sleep in the living room. Camping in.

. . .

"I like your blog", Josefa exclaimed to my surprise over brunch yesterday. I don't consider myself a writer or an artist, but knowing that what I write connects with others' experience gives it a greater meaning. We had a long conversation about life-changing decisions, love and work from a gender perspective. "I think it is our responsibility to show a new role model for the women coming behind us, the new generations", she said. "Some people say you can't have it all: work and a family," she continued. "Why not?" I interrupted without knowing the answer. Yesterday was Josefa's birthday and she felt like walking around Soho before meeting with friends to let the hours go by as we drank bottles of prosecco at a bar in the West Village.

. . .

"What date is today?" Troy asked, "it is my New York anniversary; I've been here for 14 years." We all sigh to the idea of time passing by so fast. "I reckon I'll be here for a 'coon's age'", Troy says with a Southern accent that rarely shows.

Yellow Flowers

I've been always fascinated by how life and beauty blooms even in the most harsh circumstances. It is in a way a certain kind of resilience, a genuine manifestation of adaptation and survival. In Mexico City, even as polluted and populated as it is, you'll always find yellow flowers blooming in between the concrete blocks on the sidewalks. In the same way, you'll always meet people that have managed to find joy in what appears to be hostile routines. "I love cinema, artistic films and reading science fiction," a taxi driver told me as he drove me from Condesa to Polanco in Mexico City, "I read during traffic lights, and take advantage of the long hours I spend stuck in traffic". Ten years ago my mother, grandmother and me made a road trip in search of our roots in Jalisco. We drove to Platanar, a small village two hours away from Guadalajara that came into oblivion when a highway was built destroying its plantations and making it impossible for drivers to drive through it; or even know of its existence. Manuel, my grandmother's cousin, still lived there and took care of his parents, who must have been almost a hundred years old. They lived in a house in ruins, most of the ceilings where long gone, and the interior patio of a once colonial house was covered with fallen walls, bricks, oxidized pieces of metal and long-stem wild grass. I was surprised to find out that Manuel appeared content with his life, and even more so to discover that he could easily talk about black holes, fractals or bio-technology. Everything he had done all his life was to read every single publication that made its way to Platanar; this included years of volumes of Selection of Reader's Digest. Nobel Prize writer Wole Soyinka spent 27 months in jail before fleeing his native Nigeria to the United States. He was denied access to books, paper and ink so he tried to remember every possible mathematic equation to keep his mind alive. These stories remind me of one of my favorite movie scenes from The Diving Bell and the Butterfly: I survived because I held to my own humanity. That's all I could do because that is all I had. Like you. Cling to your own humanity and you'll survive. Like yellow flowers blooming from concrete blocks.

I've been thinking to create a group to invite everyone that had suffered a panic attack at least once in their life. Even when I've had them in the past, I always forget how terrifying they can be. Last week, after a delightful brunch with Lily at Cornelia Street Cafe, I wondered around the West Village by myself. It seemed perfect at first, nice weather and all the time of the world for myself to roam around. Suddenly, and without any anticipation, everything felt wrong, somehow off. The weather was not as nice as I thought, it was actually extremely hot and humid, and the time for myself felt like an endless and empty agenda. Rapid heart-beats and sudden panic followed by sweaty hands and trembling feet. It was not the first, but the third time in my life it happened, so I reacted promptly haling a cab and getting home - to a safe space - as soon as possible. The next day I signed in for therapy. Somewhere I read that panic attacks are one of the most terrifying experiences; with no doubt it is for me. My therapist says it is a good sign that my body is reacting and calling for attention. "This in New York City, and it is stressful to be in this city. If you add your travels, your long-distance relationship and your perceived lack of stability, it is natural for your body to react in such a way." I've been talking and sharing about it with friends, and I've been happily surprised by their response. Maaike has sent a podcast of her favorite meditation teacher. Daniel and Capuchi have spent their Sundays with me. Victor has called every morning with special eagerness. Others have shared their own anxiety experiences. "If anyone has an intestine infection they'll run to the hospital and get treatment, but must people wouldn't ask for help if they feel anxious," Daniel says, "mental health is terribly stimagatized." As my therapist recommended, I've been spending time with myself every morning to establish a routine I can carry with me with every travel. For the past days I've been drinking chai tea with extra cardamom while reading the newspaper by the window. Being good to oneself sounds like an easy task, but for some of us it takes all of our mindfulness to do so.

I love myself in this picture as it reminds me of my inner strength. Looking straightforwardly at the camera, so secure of myself, my elbows resting on the car and with the expression of someone that has lots of ideas to share and is confident on who she is; feeling beautiful with being messy.

My father died when I was 3, so as a girl I took the grief as an opportunity to reinvent who he was. He became my hero, representing what I wanted as a role-model for me, what I wanted to inherit from him. I always pictured him as a strong, confident yet loving person. A kind leader that is loved for he gives himself openly. Brave, defiant and outspoken. I imagined him walking and standing by me, whispering that I should be strong too, being proud of who I was and letting me know that everything, always, would be alright. I don't know how old I was when this picture was taken, but he is definitely standing by me.

Notes on redemption, ambiguity and archetypes

“We all can relate to a redemption story”, Troy said at brunch a few weeks ago. His comment sank in as I was just reading a piece on the use of archetypes and ambiguity in storytelling as a way to appeal to a greater audience. Stories of redemption are indeed part of our collective memory, even when the redeemer, the need for redemption and its process are contextual. I read in a book review in the Financial Times that there are universally shared truths that are arrived at differently in many systems of thought. If our choice of our own truth is at all meaningful, we must experience other truths as truthful.

In my search for a new and expanded set of meanings, I went to an event that brought together a Buddhist and a Rabbi to discuss The Tibetan Book of the Dead. “The Book of the Dead describes two central archetypes, one representing the positive and the other representing the negative. It is us with our accumulation of experiences that we interpret what the archetypes stand for. Everything we say about God comes from our perception”, the Buddhist said, “Jesus represents the universal story of redemption.” For the Buddhist, there are five aggregates of self: form, sensation, perception, interpretation and consciousness. “I don’t even know what self, or for that matter soul, means”, the Rabbi joked, “for me it is about being alive or dead; you are your body so when the spark of life in it dies, everything you are goes with it.” If I die, what will remain? How many people are still living in our memory? What is survival? “For me soul is an ensemble of my hopes, fears, loves. It dies with me,” he added. “What is your take on Judaism?” the Rabbi was asked by someone in the audience. “The prevalence of ambiguity,” he replied to a room filled in laughter.

Friday Afternoon

I bought three white roses on my way home and I placed them on a white vase by my bed. Lately I’ve been a little obsessed with white in all its shades and tonalities because the beauty of its emptiness, or I rather say its reflection and inclusion, brings me peace. I like to think that we all appreciate beauty, and to an extent try to bring it to our lives in any form or representation that is meaningful for us. I wish I had the painter’s sensibility to translate abstract emotions and complex concepts into strokes and colors. I’m not a writer either but in the process to find my voice I try to reflect the voice of others. I patiently keep writing, keeping in mind the fundamental principle of growth and learning, and hoping for an ever-evolving maturity. It took several years after Georgia O’Keeffe’s death for New York art critics to consider her as an abstract artist beyond her flowers and the image of an overt sexual woman. What is interesting for me is that she started working with abstraction, creating her own vocabulary of colors and forms, and returned to it a few years before she died. For a long period, as she fought the association to her sexuality, she mastered the use of color by painting figurative art that left no room for interpretations. She had the capacity to keep learning and growing, while she adapted to the circumstances as her life unfolded. Her paintings tell the story of a life-long process that is greater than herself, as it provides the opportunity for the others to get closer.

Veronique came over for dinner; she just left. We always have great conversations, a French raised in an island and a Mexican raised in one of the most populated capitals of the world can have lots in common. At this very moment I'm drinking a glass of prosecco to fight the New York summer heat as I listen to Eric Clapton's Knockin' on Heavens Door. My favorite pastime, which I'm sometimes ashamed to accept, is to play music and contemplate. Just being; at ease. Staring deeply without focusing. Music outside, silence inside. A few lyrics from Bajo Fondo Tango Club grab my attention, "Me atravesó, tu suave vendaval, rumbo a tu recuredo seguí, la estela de tu perfume." This is so seductive that makes me fall in love with myself for a second.

Lily’s friend is the curator of the Lee Bontecue’s show at the MOMA, so we got invited for a tête-à-tête conversation with her as she walked us through every piece on the exhibition. The museum was closed today, so we got it all for ourselves. “This sculpture took Lee approximately 18 years for completion,” she told us as I wondered how each piece of the suspended sculpture came to life, and how Lee decided that the piece was finally finished, if ever. “Black holes are a constant in Bontecue’s art, so I got obsessed about them. So as many curators I’m now obsessed with the artists obsession.” Black in her work is actually deep, without any light or reflection, which makes it as soothing as unreal. It is hard to create; she used black velvet and burn materials with her welding pistol. Black reminds me of a line from RED, John Logan’s play on Mark Rothko: There is only one thing I fear in life, my friend. One day the black will swallow the red. Lee Bontacue, one of the few female artists of her generation, stopped showing her work for 35 years, until she accepted a retrospective at the MOMA a few years ago. “It’s unclear why she stopped showing her work, especially when she was recognized by some of the most important galleries.” As I try to make my own interpretation, again my reference goes back to RED, and Rothko’s reading on Jackson Pollock’s death: Suddenly he was a commodity. That Oldsmobile convertible really did kill him. Not because it crashed, because it existed. Bontecue’s works are untitled, so as her life, it is all open for the audience interpretation.

Dreaming about...

Traveling smoothly to faraway places...

And returning home, where everything started...

Where and how did I learn the script for my life? In the kind of work I do, scriptwriters have the power of scripting the way characters act in new and unexpected ways; therefore giving us, their audience, the possibility to rescript ours. A powerful script has the ability to reshape our imagination, to change the collective imaginary and even change social norms. There are so many ways to live, there are even more ways to tell the story of life; you can always choose the words you use to do so. As an amateur photographer I understand the importance of framing; selecting a piece of reality. But selection is not in the realm of scarcity, you can take as many pictures as you want, you can select as many frames as you wish. As an editor I know it is also possible to make your frames magical, sometimes. Reminding people about their ability to reframe their lives, to change their lens, is truly empowering. This pose an opportunity to rethink, redesign and add value to what they have decided; to where their decisions have taken them. It provides the chance to leave any guilt behind, to be kind to themselves, and to even start all over again. If they wish.

Some people ask the why, the what, and the how we all get to a certain definition of something; how we create a meaning. My guess is that these questions relate to the importance of utterance and affirmation. “Do you love me?” we often ask. “Why do you always ask me, you know I do,” we would get as an answer. How much meaning we create by saying and how much by doing? An action without naming is open to any interpretation; as all declaration without deed falls flat. Relationships of any kind are based on a shared responsibility; I own fifty percent of what we become when we are together. It is not about someone being a determined kind of person; it is about what I can do to make something great from what we share. Creating beauty out of what we got.

I try to kill a giant waterbug with my red mary janes as I wait for an email I wrote to Victor to go through. The internet connection is specially slow tonight. The AC is on and its noise fills the entire room. My sweat is cold by now. I've been accumulating lots of stories to write about on the blog, but it is precisely today that I feel sad that I take the time to do it. It might have been the tone on Victor's voice, or that I'm tired, or possibly that last night I questioned myself too many times the why I'm here; some nights the longing gets deep into the bone. Today, after work, I went to the top of Rockefeller Center to get a view of the city from another perspective. It has always amazed me the number of windows, and how each of them represents different characters, stories and possibilities. This city is both beautiful and tough, and it gives you as much as it takes. Sometimes you can frame yourself as part of an abundant whole, or some days like today, a tiny bit of something that gets lost in oblivion.

I love the feeling of being in what is called the "deep South". Betsy and her husband took me to hear her son Charlie, a fiddler, play Old-Time music. We sat by a tree on a yard filled with antiques and flying june bugs to watch him and his friends perform old songs that must have travelled from Scotland and Ireland into the Southern Appalachians. "Most of these songs were not written down, they have traveled through generations, so each time they play it they do it differently," Betsy said. "Charlie plays for himself, he just loves it and if someone happens to be listening it's only incidental. It doesn't really matter." For me it was a soothing experience watching him play waltzes with banjos and fiddles as he followed the rhythm tapping his bare feet on the ground. For a moment I felt I could live here, where life seems so straightforward and simple. There are so many lives one could live, it's just a matter of choosing it.

Sunday in Alabama

It was warm and humid as Connie and I sat at her porch drinking chilled Rosé and nibbled on rice crackers. I asked her to show me old pictures, so her husband pulled a couple of shoe boxes filled with photographs from the top closet drawers. We looked at pictures of her teenage son who died a year and a half ago, their trip to Italy, her upbringing in Iowa, as a teenager with long red hair, her PhD graduation and a set of Connie and her two children snuggling in bed. "These pictures are filled with love," her husband said as he placed one over the fireplace. The quiet Birmingham breeze was blowing as she walked me through the memories behind the pictures and the fate of the people in them. It made me feel I was listening to the story of my family. I like how lives intersect, mine and hers, from such different backgrounds and still being able to relate. "Would you consider moving to Alabama after you leave New York?" she asked. "It could be. You never know."

On the flight to Amsterdam I read about an exhibition of Louise Bourgeois' fabric works opening in Venice this month. I found out then that she had just died a few days before. "Art is the guarantee to sanity", she was quoted in the article. For me, the search for beauty and art are core signs of humanity, a call for the resilience of meaning. I spent my birthday in Amsterdam walking by the canals, and must have crossed several bridges as I returned to my room at night. It was the perfect analogy to start a new cycle; now at 32 there are many more bridges to cross.

Try once to measure your hand against mine

Try once to love me even when you don't know me

Try once to draw a giraffe with your left hand

Try once to speak out the precise word you are thinking right now

Try once to ask the right questions

Try once to recreate your dreams in origami

Try once to follow the dots in a different order each time

Try once to write something that doesn't make sense

Try once to name your plants

Try once to eat food without salt

Try once to find the right way to finish this blog

. --> dot

New York

"Maria just left" I called Victor crying. Oscar and Lu took her to the airport, but I decided to stay home. Despedida is the word in Spanish for the act of saying good-bye, and up to this point I haven't found a word in English that fully translates it. This is not the first time that someone had left us. Agatha, Victor, Yoli, Laura and Pepe, and everyone else that had left New York in the past years: Maria Jose, Mark, Natalia, Martha and many others. I walked past Maria's bedroom and I could feel the absence of a space that suddenly belongs to no one. As it has happened in the past, new people will come, bringing new stories. That is the way of New York.

I kill a mosquito as it discreetly tries to walk on the table towards us. My Mom is sitting by me reading her email, or more precisely, opening all the attachments people sent her on mass emails. Power Points on the meaning of life, the price of living, selections of curious images from the web, or plain jokes. She opens them even as I try to convince her she shouldn't. She was raised at a time when all mail was meaningful, so she has an innate need to read carefully everything she gets. Her computer freezes, so she resets it. Now she is overlooking my monitor trying to understand what I write. I translate. She nods in silence, keeps staring to the monitor, laughs and kisses me. Her computer is working now. We can listen a Norah Jones' song playing from the bar by my house. My Mom stops reading to pay attention to the song. Music always hypnotizes her.

"When you travel on a plane your soul stays behind and it can take several hours to catch up with you," Sean said quoting a friend. After two weeks in the Caribbean, it feels like we need almost the same amount of time for our soul and energy to get back home. My Mom arrived to New York City the same day I did, so I've been sleeping in the guest room since Monday. I miss my bed, but I'm happy she'll be around for the next two weeks. I never thought I would see my Mom for short periods of time each year only, and we both agree this needs to change.

Today we went out to the first of a series of good-bye parties for Maria; she is moving back to Mexico next week. Oscar and I need to look for a new roommate and I need to fill the gap she's leaving behind. For the past year we've been very close and have shared the day-to-day ups and downs of living, working and loving in New York. She is moving to Mexico without any certainty of a job or even the slightest idea of what she'll do. When are we going to settle? My friend Arvind says we should embrace ambiguity as much as we embrace clarity, as the seeds of growth lie mostly in it. "Ambiguity and clarity are two sides of the same coin, and we carry multiple coins in our pockets all the time." Sometimes we are too hard on ourselves, wishing to have a road map for everything to be resolved. "When the flowers bloom the bees will come".

Rita and I assisted to our first cricket match on Sunday as the Cricket’s World Cup is being held at Barbados, St. Lucia and other West Indies countries. It’s hard to find something that Rita hasn’t done. At age 85 she has traveled to almost all countries (expect for perhaps Uruguay and Bhutan), she was a pilot, movie and theater actress, regular at Studio 54, personal friend of Rothko and of many other artists and one of the few people I know that can tell the story of New York City through personal anecdotes. Most importantly, she is still traveling, enjoying art, contributing with new ideas, dancing to drumbeats by the beach and willing to learn and experiment new things. We arrived to the stadium a few minutes after the match had started and we decided to seat with the Indian crowd as they cheered their team against South Africa. I haven’t seen so many Indians at the same place, not even in Jackson Heights, and definitely, I’ve never seen Indians dancing and moving their hips to Afro-Caribbean beats. “Are you from Australia, the UK or just a US cricket fan”, a man asked me. “From Mexico! You've got to be kidding”, he replied surprised to my answer. Sometimes we tend to forget how diverse the world is. Rita left the match before the South Africans had the chance to bat. “Now that I know how it works, I don’t need to see it all”, she said as she got into the taxi. I stayed with the Indians until the game ended to their favor, and the Australians and Pakistanis took their sits for the next game.

I'm so glad Sean brought his camera...

The Island from the south...

The Island from the inside...

There are a few things in life that give me goose bumps, and tonight my full body was covered by the feeling of being at a unique time and space. We went to a street fête, and as every Friday night in St. Lucia, a DJ was playing all kinds of Caribbean music, from reggae to dub. I might be new to the Caribbean, but I'm certainly not new to this kind of music. I spent most of my teenage years in Guadalajara listening to reggae and falling in love for pot-smoking surfers; imagining life in Jamaica and singing Redemption Song. Little have I known of the strong connection between the commonwealth nations, and it's affinity to cricket. Tonight's fête was a street fair with food vendors selling fried chicken legs and carts selling liquor called "mobile bars". It was a special night as the make-shift dance floor at an intersection was packed with cricket players from India and Pakistan, and along them the honeymooners, Rastafaris, expats, homeless, drug-dealers and distracted tourists. As we all danced and sung to Bob Marley's One Love I felt as if a piece of my life had come to a full circle. Here I was, singing my old repertoire along people in turbans and dreadlocks, Muslims, Hindu, Sikhs and Rastafaris, at a Caribbean island and under a full moon. You can hardly get more real than that.

I just love working on the floor

There is something surreal about waking up in St Lucia after spending a week in Bolivia. My nose is stuffed, my hair is frizzed, my skin sticky from humidity and I'm constipated, as I always do when I travel. I'm still trying to understand how an island could be a country, and to digest the idea that we crossed the entire country when we drove from the airport to our hotel. These Caribbean islands are closer in distance to South America, but tied to England and France by history. I'm having trouble identifying the core of the region's identity, although there is a unique hybrid culture between Africa and Europe. I want to discover what what makes them who they are. Colonialism is a beyond-complex issue. My only reference so far has been Latin America, where strong civilizations preexisted. I guess not having such deep roots to a land adds a whole other dimension to the equation. I don't have deep roots in Mexico either as my family arrived two or three generations ago. I guess what makes the difference is that Mexico is a cultural/identity vortex.

Mom. 1998.

Before landing

We are on the plane to St. Lucia to help deliver a workshop on Communication for Development and how to use Entertainment-Education on climate change issues. We’ll be working in the island for two weeks but I think we are barely going to see any of it. Sean says St. Lucia is the honeymoon capital of the world. “We are staying at the same hotel where they shot the last season of The Bachelor,” Lindsey says without knowing that I barely know what that means.

Last night as I was waiting for my baked Tilapia at a restaurant in Astoria, two Colombian women were flirting with a couple of old guys to get their attention, a free meal and a couple of drinks. It felt like the cheap version of Sex and the City. As a reggae version of Karma Police started playing, I wondered if they even knew who Radiohead was. I recognize my prejudice; could flashy and smart be in the same sentence? I felt cranky as I thought that I didn’t need anyone to get me a drink. I have no doubt that I can be superficial, but I praise myself to the idea of never being shallow. I guess my reaction to these women is part of an old insecurity; it took me years to accept my vanity. I bought a wedding dress two years ago. Am I ever going to wear it? Do I really want to wear it?

We’ll be landing shortly.

Cochabamba...

Coca leaves leave a bitter aftertaste. You are supposed to let them sit in your mouth, chewing once in a while, and letting your saliva do all the work. There is a certain something about Bolivia that has always amazed me. I guess it has to do with the fact that almost no one talks about the country, if not to say that it's the second poorest in Latin America, so for me its richness becomes a surprise. It's 1:00 am and Gaby and I are at the hotel room still working on contracts that will need to be signed by the 36 radio stations we are working with at the training. We can hear the music coming from the conference room as the participants are holding their own party, drinking Singhani from Camargo and listening to Chicha and other rythms that I can hardly recognize. "Afro Bolivia!" I distinguish a line from one of the songs I know, and I can imagine the dancers pretending to be sharpening machetes as they dance in circles. Evo Morales met with the newly elected officials from across the country at our hotel yesterday. He looks and dresses like any other Aymara. "I hope you haven't invited Evo to show up at our training," Lourdes aksed me, "fellow participants from the lowlands will be very upset if he comes. We don't like him in the East." He didn't.
Gaby and I are tired, but I know that as soon as we turn off the lights mosquitoes will start buzzing, making it hard to fall asleep.

Writing while tipsy is not the smartest thing to do, but I'll give it a try. It's 3:00 a.m. and I drank a bottle of white wine almost by myself (I had some help from Andrea and Maria). I've been going through old hard drives looking for the pictures I took at my grandmother's house. In particular I'm looking for a set of pictures I took of the things left behind in her closet; shoes and dresses that even if dusty and forgotten are somehow beautiful. Instead, I found a full picture repertoire of the characters and events from the last eight years. Images from the time when I was married, when I was ten kilos overweighed, jobless, working as a documentary producer and living in Astoria with Yolis and Agatha. We sometimes forget how many paths we've been through, but truth is I am all those people, all those experiences, all those phases. The constant is the need to understand myself as a way to relate to others. I found a self-portrait taken in my room, most likely on a night just like this one, half-drunk and very thoughtful. It's funny how everything changes and yet remains the same.

I worked from home today as I need to prepare for the trip to Bolivia on Sunday. I've seen the day pass by out my window and I've been sitting in the same chair for nine hours wearing my pajamas. Pandora has been providing the soundtrack, and Maria popping by my door once in a while has been my only distraction. She is moving back to Mexico at the end of this month and Andrea will stay temporarily in her place. Maria is leaving after living in New York for almost six years. A tough but necessary decision when the job panorama is not favorable, and staying in New York will mean not healing her heart. She still loves the one man she shouldn't. As I write this Why Must I Cry from Peter Tosh starts playing "I'll never fall in love again because my heart is a pain." I don't believe it. Diego is (fully) back in love with a girl from San Diego after his heart was crushed about a year ago. After all, it's Spring and I'm sure Maria will fall in love with herself and with someone, once again.

Toronto

Lindsey and I walked forty minutes under the rain from the University of Toronto to our hotel at the Financial District, crossing Chinatown and getting a slight hint of the city's flavor. Now we are working at our 14th floor-room, too tired to go out for dinner. The fog is so dense that it's impossible to get a full view of the waterfront from our window. Spring already started in New York and at this very moment flowers must be blossoming from the peach tree at our front yard. In a few weeks will have enough peaches to bake a pie; if we only knew how to make one.

Do you have a favorite place to contemplate the nothingness?

Where?

Every place is silent if you really try.

Victor left, so I don't have a weekend routine anymore (or should I say again?). Sometimes having nothing to do scares me, but this weekend the void transformed itself into the opportunity to spend time with myself, art and friends. My job is in the inspiration business, inspiring positive social change, ironically I seldom find time to get my own needed dose of inspiration. What excites me? Beauty, narrative and rhythms that provide new interpretations and concepts: creative cross-pollination. I was impressed by William Kentridge's version of Journey to the Moon, Die Zauberflote and Africa's history of colonialism. So beautiful, ironic and dreadful. The movie Un Prophete is "one of the best movies I've seen in five years," Capuchi pointed out. Maria on the contrary got sick after seeing Marina Abramovic's performances on screen. Everything lies on the story. On Saturday morning Marco and I sat at a coffee shop in Tribeca as a Frenchman was playing with his new iPad. While Marco tweeted with excitement about seeing an iPad for the first time I felt like an old-schooler, thinking we are yet to see the when and how technology will equal content; if ever.

I'm listening to Gustavo Dudamel and eating one of the best sandwiches I've ever prepared: slow cooked ham, aged cheddar, mango chutney and spinach. Today is one of the few nights I'm able to stay home as my travel schedule is crazy; Guatemala, Mexico, Colombia, Bolivia, Canada, St. Lucia, Alabama and California between February and March. Last week Sean, Javier and I returned from Bogota and Anolaima, where we conducted creative and scriptwriting sessions with community members and visited a family coffee farm. I'm still impressed on the process that takes to prepare a single cup of coffee. Every step needs to be perfect, from growing the plant in the right environment and light, to the drying, fermentation, toasting and grinding. All that is needed to steal some of its scent as we pour hot water through it. (And then mix it with milk and sugar).

I rearranged my bedroom so now I can actually sit at my desk and write. The wall I'm facing has a collage of unrelated pictures and papers, including a business card from EL FENIX, my aunt Pilar's jewelry store in Florence. After almost thirty years she is closing it as sales dropped sharply in the last couple of years. My grandfather's store, which provided for most of my family's resources, had that same name. By EL FENIX card I placed a postcard from a Gustave Caillebotte painting of three shirtless men scraping a parquet floor of a Parisian apartment; they have a bottle of wine and a glass on the floor.

Last night we went to see RED at the Golden Theater in Broadway. A new production staring Alfred Molina portrays a certain time in the life of Mark Rothko, when he was working on a series of paintings to be displayed at the recently opened Four Seasons in Midtown Manhattan. The script is depth in meaning and irony, showing the complexity of being human and the circumstances that shape us. For me it felt like a wake up call: bring meaning to all you do, acknowledge what was built and created before you and understand the responsibility you inherit within, the many shades a color has and how any canvas represents only ten percent of the art piece, with everything that was left out becoming the substance that support what you see. The Rothko on scene talked about Jackson Pollock, about Pollock's intensity when maturing as an artist and the lack of meaning he must have found when he finally got fame. Rothko decided not to sell his paintings to the Four Seasons. We don't need to be artists to loose sense of what is important. For me it's too easy to get carried away by materialism, new technology and the vast amount and speed of information making it impossible to prioritize. I guess part of our complexity is that we both feel the need for lightness and depth. After Abstract Expressionism came Pop Art.

The worst post ever.

One more day without writing and this blog would be considered officially closed. This is why I'm writing today, to keep it alive and breathing, at least on a comatose state. As I always say (you must be tired of this) it's hard to capture everything that happened in the past month into one post or a single paragraph. That's why here is a short list of (ir)relevant things and thoughts to share:

1. I think Astoria is becoming gay, or so it seems as lots and lots of cute white clean-cut guys are riding the subway every evening. Good for sightseeing but not very promising for all the single looking-for-a-steady-boyfriend girls that populate Astoria – which are quite a lot. (Not me!)

2. I was in Guadalajara for a few days, dividing my time between work meetings, renewing the tremendous H1B visa, sharing with friends, going to art openings, discovering the new crop of artists, making Patrick Charpenel feel awkward, cooking with my Mom and kissing my boyfriend for the last time in months.

3. I didn’t got food poisoning in Guatemala even when I ate a full stack of Mayan tamales.

4. I got a Geisha wig to wear tonight at Oscar’s 39th Birthday Party.

5. I’m glad to see that lots of people in Guadalajara are opening their own business. Everything keeps moving

6. I discovered that even with all my travel from the past three years, I still don’t have enough miles to get into the VIP rooms between flights. (sucks!)

7. Victor stayed in Mexico, meaning that our history of long-distance relationship reopens, which means that it’s not enough that I produce soap operas for work, I insist in living one.

8. I think this post sucks, but what the hell. I hope that at least being honest about it saves my reputation.

On Forgetting

It was cold today and I felt sick, so I worked from home and cooked chicken and vegetable paella. Victor and I booked our airplane tickets to Mexico, a step that I've been trying to avoid as most likely he'll stay and I'll be back in New York in two weeks by myself.  To be honest I can't even start thinking about it; I'm sure I'll be writing about it soon.  

My Mom sent me an email with a quote that read "Nunca la ausencia causa el olvido" which roughly translates to absence never causes forgetfulness. When I moved to New York she was 49, now she is 57; I was 24, now I'm 31.

It's been a while since the last time I wrote, I know; I realized it as I lay on the massage bed at the physical therapy facility listening The Girl from Ipanema. After the trip to Italy, I started getting back pain, so I go every two days to get spine massage. The place is usually busy with elders, or young people who suffered an accident, making me feel guilty to appear so healthy.

The hardest part about writing after a long time is trying to select the stories to tell. Should I write about the man who got killed by a trailer in the corner of my house? About Cristina opening a new Mexican restaurant in the Upper West Side? Should I describe the new developments in my relationship with Victor? Things in my life keep moving in the usual chaotic order; the New York way.

Two weeks ago we had dinner with Victor’s cousin. She lives with her husband at their Upper East Side apartment. Everything seemed perfect: magazine-inspired décor, good and steady jobs, arts management masters, happy couple, waiting for their first child, and above all, no apparent doubts about the decisions taken. Somehow most of my friends, and me, have recurrent crisis questioning the paths we’ve chosen. My friend Arloinne, who moved to Barcelona recently with her husband (who is on his second Masters), confessed the uneasy feeling about starting from scratch in a new country at age 32. Spain is not the best place to look for a job right now, so as an Anthropologist she is applying to work at local coffee shops. “It feels strange that I might be working with people in their 20’s who are just defining themselves,” she continued, “I’m supposed to be building a career or something.” Just like with Victor and I, things are yet to be defined.

Morality at 3:00 am

Victor, Alex and Oscar are discussing morality using the Tiger Woods case as an example. They seem to be in disagreement, but they accord that his main failure was lying about his true nature. "He tried to keep the image of Mr. Perfect for too long,' said Alex, 'he sold the idea of a family guy". I'm more in favor of Victor's opinion, we both acknowledge that maybe he was forced to sell an image he was not even so sure to represent. For me, we all fuck up one way or another, making most moral standards a fallacy. We expect our idols to represent what we can't achieve, or to stand for it on our behalf. Victor, Alex and Oscar keep discussing; they shifted their conversation to compare Tiger with Elliot Spritzer, and how receiving tax money adds to the moral equation. I'm too tired to mention that I advocate for prostitution legalization. In the meantime, Maria sleeps in the couch. The champagne took its toll already.

Post script: Alex wonders when Tiger Woods comeback will happen; he already assumes he will. Oscar thinks the idea is irrelevant; public memory is too short for it to matter.

Sunlight in the sky and and on the pavement

It was snowing as I walked on 43rd Street this morning.

Frozen Honey

I have a bear-shaped honey jar on top of my desk. Since the honey crystallized I had to put the jar upside down, but still a quarter of it is too solid and definitely not coming down. If this bear-shaped honey jar was as an hourglass, the countdown would have stopped on Monday, freezing a precise moment in time. It might also mean that the honey is slowly dripping, extending my perception of time (at least during office hours). I read a good explanation on why every new year feels shorter than the previous one. When you are six years old, a year is actually a sixth of your entire life. A sixth of my life now is represented by 5 years, so one year is just a tiny fraction that promises to get smaller as years go by. I suddenly remember my 3th grade Math teacher saying “You can eternally divide fractions into smaller fractions.”

I haven't decided on my 2010 resolutions. I guess I'll just wait until the Chinese New Year's celebration to come with a thoughtful list of resolutions and the roadmap on how to achieve them. I used to be too faithful that things will be completed just by naming them. Now, as experience starts to settle, I know magic is not enough. Of course it doesn't mean that I lost my appetite to wish for wonderful and unrealistic things to happen (like Victor finding a great job in New York).

I´m at home by myself waiting for the clay facemask to dry. Today is the first day of a new decade which feels as yesterday, with the difference that I´m trying really hard to make-believe that indeed a new era is staring just now, as the clay is sucking all impurity from my skin. An indecisive new year´s eve marked the celebration, just the precise reflection of the last years. This was the first year we had no plans, so we just decided to go with the flow. We started the evening having a late lunch/early dinner with friends from my childhood at a Thai place, later making a stop at Veneiros for a taste of their famous cheesecake, and we ended at Café Frida playing DJ with my iPhone and talking to Margarita Pracatan, an underground celebrity and personal friend of Boy George. After a long night, an unexpected call from my cousins in Mexico and realizing that Victor is my family made the new beginning worth.